Eclipse - The Repeat Of History Once Again..

2010-08-11T03:06:00.004+08:00

Can You Feel The Love Tonight...

Time Files.. as i look back now, i see the different faces that has accompanied me through my journey of life. the very mask that i held dear to me shall remain with me. i believe this is the mask that even to my death, i should carry on with it.

Can you feel the love tonight.. yes God.. i can feel it. i felt it every night God, i felt the heart warming love that you have given as i wept bitterly. i felt your love when emotionally i cried myself to sleep. i felt your love when i lay at your side and rest. but as i look back, i realise i had constantly overlook your love for me Lord. Thank You Lord..

i felt your warm hug when i needed it the most Lord.. i felt the comfort that you have given to me when i was resting Lord. for that i thank you..

Rest in peace Eclipse. until i return. till then, hold on to my memories. my good and bad.

Good memories to remember,

the sweet time from the Creator

Bad memories to hold

Dearest in my heart even if cold

Not to forget, not to begone,

For thats when, God gave me warmth...

And so.. we go...

2010-03-19T21:27:00.008+08:00

Roses have thorns.

Isn't it strange? Despite being so beautiful, yet no one wants to lie on a bed of roses.

Sometimes watching a show makes my heart ache. to the point of near tears. its not because it sad. but because it painful. i know i probably sound like a wuss to all of you. but i don't care. i believe in my notation of love and caring for people. if people are unable to accept it. then that's too bad.

こどもはい
kodomohai
こころ内部泣く
kokoro naibu naku

I felt that I'm unable to continue my haiku. i know its a feeble attempt to write one but at least i tried.

A lot of people told me "the world is like this" "this is reality" "with your thinking, you have not seen the world". isn't that sad? are we to use this reason to justify our actions. do we not have morals and pride stand up to whats wrong?

A very touching scene with a very enlightening phrase. by the manga Doubutsu No Kuni
"..I'm Picking A Fight With This World.."

If You Are Too Fast In Life. You May Miss The Blooming Moon. are we missing things that are so beautiful around us. but because of our selfish reasons, we never stop to admire God's perfect creation.

2010-02-05T00:07:00.002+08:00

What is Love..

Love..
I..
Because...
It is like a ...

Many people have experience love.. they have know the sweet and alluring taste of it. but just as roses have thorns. love have its own thorns..

Something that i don't do often. i will actually explain the recent poem i had written. bear in mind that the poems written for me is most applicable to be and that usually only i know the entire picture of it.

Shards Of Feeling, Never To Clear

My feelins have been broken many time. everytime i fix my feelings, there are always things that help me break and shatter my feeling again. shards of feeling.. never to clear. every shard that was broken, was never cleared. serving always as a constant and sorrowful reminder.

Left There, Only To Hear..
My Screams Of Pain..

The above two line tells the tale of my life. every shard was left there. like glass. every time i was pass it... every time things happen. the shards are there to hear my scream of pain as each shards of feeling dug deep into me.

Silent Tears, Taints...

Even as painful as it is. silent tears taints my face. life have to go on. there are ....

Who am i kidding..

They say that men can shed blood but not tears. im sorry that not true for me. i have shed the blood. i have shed the tears. all that is left.. is for me to scream in pain.
i sorry if this is all too confusing.

God. Watch Over Me Please...

2009-12-08T01:17:00.002+08:00

Peeking Into My Dreams...

This will be a short post by me. i know you will never be able to read this or you might one day. but never the less, Thank You. you have warmed my heart with you innocent heart.. you are the very one whom have made me a happy person that night.

I dreamed of it and it came true. Thankfully not all the details of the dream came true. But the very part that was important and sweet came true. i doubt i will ever forget it. the night which you warmed my heart...

Thank You.. Little Girl..

never want to feel.. anymore..

2009-11-25T00:14:00.002+08:00

Peeking Into My Thoughts ...

Why..
Where..
Hate..
Blood..
Gone..

thanks
Pain..
Why..
Tears..
Alone..
Heart..
Surround..
No..
No more..

I Do Not Want To Feel.. Any… more...

A peek into my mind back a few days. My emotions these few days is really unstable.. Sometimes, I feel as if someone is controlling me. Some times I feel as if I am all alone. Sometimes I am afraid. sometimes I wish it will all end.

Shards Of Feeling, Never To Clear
Left There, Only To Hear..
My Screams Of Pain..
Silent Tears, Taints..

I feel as if I have been constantly fighting small battles. I may win now, but I might lose the war. I have been harden. Thus I feel as if I am constantly bitter.. Because my jealously, Because of hate. Because of loneliness.. you may ask why Cranberry juice. its because it may smell nice, the initial taste is sweet. but it carries a bitter aftertaste.

Lost..

Since you left, I felt I have not done enough.. I know there is more I am suppose to do. I know your expectation for me is really minimal. But I have overlooked your last attempt. I am sorry. I will not know if you will read this. But I am sorry. Really am sorry. I did not mean to lie.. Please.. Forgive me.. for not meeting to your expectation, for not telling you the truth, for deceiving you. Please.. I really am sorry....

I Do Not Want To Feel.. Any... More...

Pain..

No please don't go where I can't follow... please stay.. don't go...
WHY. WHY MUST YOU INTERFERE? HAVEN YOU SUFFERED ENOUGHT? MUST YOU SPREAD YOUR SUFFERING?
stop it please..

I Do Not Want To Feel.. Any... More...

Hate

.... why...
Hello :)
... I hate you...

I Do Not Want To Feel.. Any... More...

2009-10-25T23:02:00.002+08:00

Back

hey people. i know its been a really long time since i blog. in some way, thats a good things :)

Recently, I had my long awaited holiday and rested my mind body and soul. Although i might have neglected my spirit a bit.

It has got me thinking now,, fruits are actually a reather good example to what your emotions are and/or what your personalities are.. soo. what fruit are you?..
orange are happy but sour at times. apple is tough and is taste good. mango are smooth and really sweet. pears are cooling and refreshing. There are many more... for me.. the fruit that i felt describe most is a Cranberry. why? try Cranberry. juice and maybe you might understand.

Sometimes the feelings inside you is constantly waiting to burst out. However, as you see that person. sometimes the feeling evaporates. sometimes it strengthen...

lots of random post by me.. school tomorrow.. for 2 weeks before my nightmare..

God watch over me please..

meanings of meaning

2009-08-13T01:42:00.006+08:00

Duty

On clean up duty. Have to clean up broken shards of glass as I am the cause of the shattering. I am however heated/enrage/angry/raging/tormented at/by the person whom I refuse to name, even as I told him/her/it not to do it, but him/her/it just want to go ahead and do it. Ends up I’m stuck with clean up duties and him/her/it seemed to have no desire to help me instead, him/her/it seemed to be making my life more difficult. Thanks a lot. Like my life haven been troubled enough.

Project due soon. Hopefully I am able to finish. Exams soon, hope I can score attachment soon. hope I can survive...

Death, Heart, Empty
Crushed, Step, Powdery
Longing, Feel, Dawn
Dusk, More, Drawn
Picture, Display, Feeling
Black, Red, Flowing

A poem? Maybe. Blabbering? Could be. My post? Must be.

Stars

2009-07-05T00:31:00.002+08:00

Death...

A word where it is both feared and envied.. a word that is both sad and happy... death... with and without choices..

Perhaps it is time.. perhaps it is not.. once again help undo this knot...

Friend are like Stars..You may not have noticed them.. But they are always there....

Death... both a blessing and a curse...

Must 1 experience before learning?

Perhaps so...

Perhaps not..

Moving on... for the best.. avoiding potential problems.. before i rest...

is it time?

A Faction Thought...

2009-06-01T00:03:00.003+08:00

To Forget or Not To...

Sometimes as I walk this path once again. I realize many things. Once again I had felt the depth of hell as I walk with Jesus... Is it even possible that walking with Jesus will cause you to feel closer to hell? As I continue to move closer to God. My sin... my shame... my flaw... it was shown so brightly that I could not stand to look at it.

Once again I cried. Once again I stopped. Once again I ... sank back into the darkness... How I wish that I can let it all go... i really wish i can... but... i have to carry it... despite releasing it is the easiest way to do it... am i depress? Yes I am... things that make me genuinely happy... i really enjoyed them... but however that may be... Innocent Dreams... That Can Never True... no matter how hard i wish for it... i am guessing that will still be my dream. Dreams are meant to motivate... no? Ha ha... i wish...

I’m sorry after such a long wait for me to post... yet it is of such depressing content... i am really sorry. But... this is a piece of my life.... perhaps. Someone... one... no one... can understand...

2009-03-12T02:38:00.001+08:00

Lone Wolf
Words with thousands of meaning…

Lone Wolf is taking a rest now. Will be back after these messages…

2009-02-21T01:27:00.008+08:00

Life..

The source of our existence. We are here because we have life. But how do we live our life? Is life just full of sadness and pain? Once again as I sat down to collect my thoughts. I realize how small our life is. Every time when I look around I see things that normal people often ignore, I see the life of people. Complex… No? it one thing seeing the person and another things seeing the person’s life. Often as I look, I see things that I should not see. But. As reader digest would say. Life’s Like That.

This may seemed like a totally random post by me. But no. sometimes I just wish I do not see so much. Sometimes I just wish life was simpler. Sometimes I wish I can wholeheartly enjoy life. Maybe Adam should not have eaten the forbidden fruit after all. Lol..

Recently I fell. Scraped myself pretty bad. But as I fell, I picked myself up and ran. Cause… I was chasing after the bus. Well I was glad that I had gotten onto the bus. Was recovering well from my injures. When all of the sudden, 10 days after I last fell, I had fallen again. Well, scrapped a different area. But it was not until now did I realize what God may be trying to teach or tell me. Simple things like chasing after the bus. Even as you fall, stand up again and ran after it. Do you do the same for me(God)? Well that struck me. There are times when things happens and I had fallen. Be it emotionally or spiritually. Had I always pick myself up immediately after I had fallen and continue to run the race to be like Jesus? “Even if completely covered in mud, you should continue moving forward.” I kind of like this phrase... Do you?

Currently I am working on a project. A project that was inspired by a 15 year old. A project that had no deadline. A project that does not give me merits. I called it... project Life. Will be doing my best to finish it and when I next post, hopefully you can see the project I had done. Until then, Stay safe.

I am tired. I am lonely. Can someone please talk to me..

And so … We Go..

2009-01-25T22:25:00.002+08:00

Words of Wisdom..

If it is a huge worry, Don't just forget about it. Hold it in your chest and continue moving.

Even if it is the strength obtain by hating someone or running away from somethings, nevertheless it is still your strength. never be embarrassed by it. use it to move forward.

Even if completely covered in mud, you should continue moving forward.

Moving forward. accept your weakness and strength. use them to move forward.

A short post.
And So... We... Go....

2009-01-20T00:40:00.003+08:00

Morbid...

For it had happened again. i fear for my life
Even after losing many things, will i lose myself as well..
After all this may be the way, it was meant to be
Realizing that my future is within his control

Help me Lord.

2009-01-06T23:25:00.004+08:00

...

They say that being with friends is a blessed thing to have...

As I walk in my journey of life, I walk in shadows despite knowing there is light beside me. Reasons have arisen and I am afraid to step out into the light. Before the end of 2008, I talked to her. After so long... despite I know that I am not suppose to call her then. But being in shadows for so long has been... sad...

That night was the night I had stepped out into the light once again.
That night was the night I am able to relive my life once again.
That night. Was the night. God sent me his angels.

I didn’t not find them. They found me. Along with them... they brought her along...

That night. Was the night. I feel the light...

A simple time. A simple moment. She brought me closer to God. Before all ended. I realise I am never alone... Friends Are Like Stars. They Are Always There. But You Just Have To Know Where To Look. Sometimes, they come to you. Sometimes I feel as if I am alone. That night was the night I know I was alone.

Thank You. You had brought me out from the shadow. Even as I stand in the light now. I cannot deny the shadow. Where I walk it followed. But at least. This shadow. Is a fragment of my former self. I cannot indulge in my shadow once again. Because I am standing in the light. The light of God Given Love that I felt that night. Even as I face the shadow, the light is still behind me.... but as I face the light and move on. The shadow remains as a place solitude that I once hide in.

I Thank You For Your Time.. And So.. We Go..

2008-12-02T01:48:00.002+08:00

Silent....

Been many days since I last posted. Caught up with school and stuff. rested and somehow, things still does not feel right...

Has there been days where you are enjoying and all of a sudden, while you are immerse in the joy of everyone, you were yanked rudely away from the whole situation and given a time to think? I decided not to go into the specific even as there may be sensitive details that I do not wish to share. However, there are times, when things happen; I realize that I become very withdrawn. I guess it had become a protective reaction since my last encounter with... .... . Things happen here and there. Be it good or bad. Sometimes, I am left out. Sometimes I am inside. However, when things happen, it seemed to be able to spoils my mood for many days. Pondering on the matter. Maybe it’s a good thing maybe its not. But life stills must go on. There are times when I wish there is someone whom I can talk to. There is times where I wish I don’t have to keep using ... to describe certain situation. There are times I wish I can just say the truth. I live in a world of lies and deception....

I once though I am an optimist. But things happen. I guess that changed me. I start to see things more.. Deep. There is many times where I wish I can just see the world as a joke. As joy and laughter. But things change. For the better for the worst. I do not know.

I know it is a short post as compared to the days I did not post. But things happen I guess..

I Thank You for you time in reading this post.

2008-10-16T23:00:00.003+08:00

As I listen to my blog's music, I remember much pain I had went through. But I am not here to share any of these. Cause now is not the time. Maybe you can feel my pain as I listen to the song. I had not blogged for 1 and a half month and for good reasons as well. But I am not sharing it. Sorry. I manage to catch up with some rest and able to, for a long time, enjoy life. Where I lived my carefree days of gaming. Some of you may think I am wasting my time. But if you have been through what I have been through, maybe you guys will do the same as well.

My main blogging for today is the sharing of 2 things. First is my dream. Second is something I had learned while I am reading God's words.

Dream had been a special factor in my life. I had many dreams. But there was this one that I had and it had come through. The reasons behind the dream were simple. It had came true and I have to say, despite knowing what the result might be, the dream was fulfilled. I had done it so that it is for the greater good. Sounds noble. But it isn't.

I was at a garden filled with flowers and plants. Things were good there. On this particular plant, was a really beautiful looking butterfly. I was looking at it. There were people whom taught me how to pick the butterfly up and place it in my hands. And then placing it back on the plant. During that time, that was the thing that I really wanted to do most. After hearing so much instruction on how to do it, I gather my courage and tried to pick up the butterfly. Before my hands touched it, an ant suddenly moved towards the butterfly and bit it. The butterfly moved up further on the plant but soon had no where else to go. It did what had made it to do. It flew. The ant looked at me as I stare at the butterfly flying away. It was such a sad scene.

Maybe some of you can understand the dream. Most of you can’t. Cause not everyone is gifted with dream interpretation.

On the far end of the island. A light house stood. Every month it was given a set number of oil to light up the lighthouse. All was well until that month, a farmer came to borrow some oil to lubricate the joint of his cart. The lighthouse keeper gave him some. After that, there were many others whom borrowed oil from the lighthouse keeper. Until one day before the end of the month, the oil ran out. The lighthouse was unable to shine and guide the ships. Many ships crashed.

This story tells us about 1 thing. A person's ability and power is limited. Even when people needs help, by helping all of them will just ultimately burn you out.

I am still trying to learn that.

Sorry for the sloppy finish. But all in all, I feel.... this is the way, it was meant to be....

2008-09-02T02:22:00.002+08:00

Life

It seemed to drag on. It seemed to have no end to it. It seems that we have to choice but to live it. But are you willing to sacrifice your life for others? Are you willing to give up part of your life to care for someone? As I sit before my blog, I recall all that has happened. How unstable my life can be. How painful my life can be. How lonely my life is. I have lost one. It had motivated me to cherish what is still here. I do not want to lose it again...

Life.
Many treasure it because it can give you pleasure and happiness. Many detest it because there is suffering and pain in it. Many are sad that there is an end to it. But not all is know that it is not the end.

Treasure your life my friends. You only have 1 go at it. Do not allow it to slip by unnoticed. Do not waste your life. Because there are many that are willing to have the life you are living now.

Story.
A man carrying a cross was strolling about. There he met Jesus. He complained "Jesus my cross is really heavy. I cannot carry it any longer."
"Come with me" said Jesus.

Jesus brought him to a storage full of crosses. Some are big. Some are small. Some are wide. Some are thin. Some have thorns. Some are smooth. After pacing around in the room, he noticed in one corner that there is a small cross there. "I want that one Jesus" "but that is the cross that you brought in my son... "

Some heard this story before, but do you know that there is another version to it?
.... "Come with me" said Jesus.

They came to this garden that is filled with trees and is beautiful in all ways. At a clearing, the man noticed that there is a cloth on the floor. "Put down the cross and have lunch with me” said Jesus smiling. The man had lunch with Jesus. There they talked and talked. Finally, when the man is fully rested, Jesus said “my son, are you ready to take up your cross again?" "But it is heavy and tough" complained the man “you are free to join me for lunch anytime when you are too tired from carrying it" said Jesus smiling...

Both the story has different meaning to it. Even when trials seemed impossible to bear, even when you feel that people around you are better off, God gave you the cross that you can bare. He don't give you something knowing you cannot cope with it...
the second story tells us that. In God we find refuge. He is willing to take us with wide arms open. But are we willing to go to him and rest? Are we willing to stop and talk to him? Stop and rest. Find a place where you really talk to God. Do not hide you thoughts from him. Open up to him. Tell him everything. For he is our Heavenly Father.

I thank you for reading this post...

2008-07-31T00:32:00.008+08:00

Race...

I am sick and tired of my race. I am very grouchy today. But I still feel I should post for my readers out there. Sorry if this is such a disappointment.

Race of life... everyone is running his or her own race. Many times, you fall and you have to find someway to get back up and continue on the race, when you are trying to get up, it’s hard. Rarely people will lend a helping hand. But then. When there is a helping hand be thankful about it. Because many times, people just run pass you. Cause it will use up too much energy to stop and help the person with the race. I am burning out. I am losing my mental strength quickly. I got so easily angered. Even person whom I know which has fall in the race of life, I stop to help. I kept helping people and enjoy the feeling of seeing them pick themselves up and continue running. But as I feel happy for them, I am slowly burning out my fuel. In this race of life, I do not strive to be first. But I strive to help people whom have lost the will in the race of life.

Yea very noble of me and all. Rent on all you like of how proud I am about this. I don’t care. Then again, people will probably not care either. Cause I am who I am. I am tired. I need a rest. But when I tried to rest, problems arise and I will need to continue in my race of life so I can help the person I saw fallen. Be it sick or dead tired. I am still willing to spare part of my life to help a person in need to run in the race of life. So much so that even if I am running out of life to give, I still give freely till I collapse. If my life can exchange for the people whom is willing to stand up once again to run the race of life because of me, my life is a cheap one. I am both physically and mentally tried. I want to stop and rest. But knowing that I am unable to do so cause there are still people whom has fallen in front. I need a place where I can rest... i need a someone to do something for me. Figure it out yourself.

I know I am being both harsh and aggressive here. But this is the truth and fact of my life. Welcome to my life. Tears and blood, I have shed, But no one care to help me dap... for those of you whom life is like a rainbow, good for you. For those of you whom can understand my feeling I thank you. It takes one to know one. Some of you may know what I need. For those who don’t know, it may be just I didn’t bother to tell you. Or I don’t have the chance to tell you. For the readers whom have expected some happy note or food for thought from me, I apologies.

If you even read finish this post, I thank you for you time.

2008-07-20T20:34:00.005+08:00

Faith...
1 month since I last posted... sorry...

when things of the earth came up and overwhelm you. What will you do? When all things seemed to fall apart and you are desperately trying to keep them together... what will you do? For me... i will panic first... then come back to God. Like today... i am to manage 2 different things in my church which had adrise many problems. But thankfully, the answer had already been provided and was solved even before the problem happened. Isn’t God great? Today I must apologies to some people whom I may have snapped at yesterday or today. It’s not easy to control ones anger when you are stress. What’s worst, when things are not going your way, you snap? Sigh...

school been rather busy and there are many things that i need to attend to. Maybe once I have recovered from this, I will post again. Until then...

Thank you for your time in reading this post...

2008-06-21T22:03:00.004+08:00

Is It All Planned?

Sometimes we ask ourselves this question. We question God if it was his plan. Even if it is, we grumble. Cause a lot of the time. It breaks your heart. Until now, I still feeling the pain soaring through me. When things does not go as plan. When things seemed to make a turn for the worst. When all things seemed to come at one time and it rushed you down.

I tried to keep it in my heart. I tried to act as it nothing happen. I tried to tell myself that it is alright when I know myself that I am not. I called my mentor that night to ask her something. In the end, to be honest, that night, I broke down and cry. I cried my heart out. I cried like there is no tomorrow. I am so tired. I am so weak. Yet I keep trying to act tough. I keep trying to move on in life and in God ministry, despite I am so tired.

I keep trying to help people despite I am so weak. That night, I broke down and cried... things did not go as planned. Even though I tried to look at it in a positive way, and continue with my life, things made a turn for the worst. I kept it in my heart. Telling myself that the past is the past. But it didn’t work. To some I may seem weak but I don’t care. I pour my heart out to my mentor. I was so close to leaving. But she doesn’t know. She consoled me. For that I thank God for her.

That night, she had saved a broken soul... this song, Before Dawn by Isaac Shepard maybe you can feel my sorrow and anguish that night...

I thank you for your time..

2008-06-13T21:54:00.002+08:00

It’s not over till it’s over

that sound like a phrase that someone will use during a fight when the person is losing. Well for me, it is a comment on my life. Problems came at a rush that overwhelms me. I was unable to solve many underlying problem. Or perhaps. I am too afraid to solve them. Maybe I am avoiding them... in anycase; i have managed to solve most of my problems. But there are still many problems that I am unable to solve by myself. Many a time, I require God to intervene in my life to get things right. It is also written to place your worry and energy on God rather than on early problems.

But all in all, how many people actually manage to do that? Many times, we are just so overwhelm by our earthly problem, that in that short time, you forget all about God. Suddenly when the entire problem start to attack, God suddenly isn’t in your life. You just click off to another mode where you start to solve problem by yourself. Not with God. But by yourself. Many times, it happens to me. I just cannot believe in God when suddenly all the problem start to surface. When I finally broke down, when I finally have time to stop and ponder on my life, then I start to realize, that I forget all about God.

Does this happen to you all? Maybe? Maybe not. It sure happens to me. I have been working too hard. I am giving myself no rest. Maybe God will intervene and force me to rest before I work myself out.

I thank you for your time. Mr. Emo is back incase you didn’t notice.

2008-05-25T23:54:00.003+08:00

Strange. A Blessing.

Hm... Back from the hospital, had many things piled up for me to do. Really stressed about it. I have a 1500 word on biopsychosocial of suicide; I have about 3 case studies to do. I have got common test coming soon. I have got camp just before my exams, and I have a clash in date for another camp. Oddly, I feel strangely light. For this, I must thank Zhen Ni Gan Shi. On a Thursday, I meet up with her to talk to her about my inner feeling (no it’s not a confession. she my spiritual mentor). The content will not be share due to the reason that many or nearly all the information is private. Secondly I cannot really remember what we talk about also (joking) (btw Mr Cheerful here, I told Mr Emo to take a break for a while cause he seemed so... emo)

anyway, previously, I am really stressed about it. After that, we did prayer; I find that when I place all my worries to God, all my burdens to God, I actually felt a lot more clear headed and less worried. Because I know that God will guide me through. I have completed my 1500 report and that’s a big load off my mind. Therefore, before Mr Emo gets back, I SHALL BE CALLED CRAZY WOLF!!! MUHAHAHA

I will be posting soon hopefully. During my ordeal or after it.

I thank you for reading this post. CHOW ;)

2008-05-14T18:21:00.002+08:00

Freedom...

Finally, I am out of the hospital. After spending 13 days lock up in that place, I finally get to go back and enjoy my freedom. For those of you who don’t know, I am down with pneumothorax there is a hyperlink on the word so you can understand the illness without me repeating it for the countless amount of times I was in hospital. By the way, this is both Mr. cheerful and emo speaking, so the post is rather balanced. HAHAHA, anyway, sorry for the past few post I had been so down. I had been very irritated by things that are happening around me. And staying in hospital has changed things

While I was staying in hospital, there comes a time where there are old people whom are mentally unwell. So they tend to keep calling to the nurses going "missy ah, missy..... MISSY!!!" something like that. But the thing is that, there was one old man. Who was also yelling away, in the middle of the night, but none of the nurses had time or are bothered to try to calm him down. Cause he will start yelling about 5 minutes later. But then. Strangely, when he was doing that, I suddenly had the impulse of attending to him (nurse’s instinct) normally; other people will think I am crazy by doing that. But I just did it. I went to him, and start communicating with him. He quietened down a lot as his attention is focused to me. The main reason for his yelling is because of pain in his legs. Even though I am really sleep, (11 50++) I still reach out a comforting hand and hold his hands while talking to him once in a while. That lasted about 2 hours. It was 2 am I the morning and my body could not take it anymore. So I bid farewell to the old man. Thankfully, I was able to sleep before he starts yelling again. When I look back, I saw how sad old people can be. They are not well taken care of by their children and they are living in nursing homes (ok not all of them, but a good number of them.) sigh... I was so sad by that instance.

But soon after that old man was discharged with me to stay by him every night for a while... I even written a poem of my feeling, but I wont post it here. At least not now. But hopefully, you guys can hear from me soon.

Long post. Thank you for reading it.

2008-04-28T23:32:00.002+08:00

......

its not i am too lazy to write a title for this post. its i find it too hard to describe this post. or given the chance, i rather not write out the name.. another poem of my feeling.. up to you to understand. its for me to withstand...

Death, Dying, Decay, Forgotten
Will My Life Be Taken Like Its Given
People Do Not Feel It
Wherever I Go, Is Where I Sleep
Given A Choice, I Will Deny
But God Has A Plan, Following I Shall Strive

sorry to disappoint you guys with a sore post again. i told mr cheerful to take a break while i control for a while.. Mr emo here.. maybe something can change my frown to a smile.. i really hope so...

i thank you for you time in reading this... post..

2008-04-17T23:00:00.003+08:00

My Fear....

As a continuation of my last post, i reported having pain on my chest.. After a few asking question to my teacher, and asking around, I have come to a solid conclusion. i need to go visit the doctor. Pronto. It seemed that it might be a cause of an early heart attack. Sorry that this is such a late post and it’s going to be a short one. But now, I am worried of many things. Call me whatever you want. But now I am disturbed. Many times i see possible death situation. Call me paranoid. But sorry, that what I see. Hopefully the next time I post. It will be a happier one. i am sorry for a lot of things. I am sad for many things. I am troubled for many things. i am busy about many things. I am mindful about many things. i am trying to keep my cool. But the more I try, the harder it gets. Why will my future be? All I can reply on is God whom will lead me through my life. God grant me strength. Those reading this. It’s up to you if you want to pray for me a not. Sorry i sound this sore, but I am very troubled about many things now. Hope the next time you read from me again, the kid me get to play as well.. See ya people soon... I hope...

i Thank You for you time. And sorry it had sounded so sore in my post.

2008-03-29T00:47:00.004+08:00

Pain..

Such a normal thing. we feel it everyday. We ignore it sometimes. but sometimes it is good, sometimes its bad. my brother Luke from Indonesia came to visit me over the week. we had a really wonderful time talking and hang out and catching up on what we miss. on the last day, we meet up with me, luke wu chong and xin hui. we meet at mos and at our last night, we had a blast,(literally) it started off by Luke laughing about some odd phrase. then in the end, we started saying all sortsof lame phrases and things. what end up is, we laughed our heads off. in the end, even when we all calm down, just by staring with each other, we started another chain reaction of laughter again. (this went on for about 1 hour?[not joking..]) we end up with tears and stitches (well maybe only me have stitch cause i cant stop laughing). but that was the best night ever. that day we laugh like 2 years worth of laughter.

when Luke when back to his country, we all felt pain of sadness (maybe its pain of staying awake cause we kindda didnt sleep :P) anyway, we keep in touch in msn and in games. HE HAD BETTER COME TO SG AGAIN!! HOHOHO

ok. mega change. the kid me is in a corner, the emo me is back.. (joke from kid me) sorry it had to be this way. but today (yesterday) friday, when me and wu chong went to hang out, we played games and stuff. when we left, i realise i left my handphone and wallet behind. but thankfully, we manage to found it. but while getting it, i ran to find it. ends up, i had the same feeling of pain back in malaysia(those of you know) it felt as if my wound had reopen and it hurts even to breath. i had to take many deep breath (although it hurts) to calm my rampaging heart down. my heart was beating like mad and each time it hit against my ribs, it hurt. now i roughtly know how does a heart attach felt. i have been suggested to take a x-ray . i think i should . Pray for me please as this offset is rather sudden. it may happen in the most crucial time and i may seriously injure myself.

this is the end of my post. i thank you for you time in reading this post.
btw, the kid me said have fun :)

2008-03-16T23:26:00.003+08:00

The Day I Meet You..

This phrase sound as if i meet my true love. But i didn't. sorry i did not post during my attachment. i was too caught up with hospital and stuff. but now that i have finish my attachment and i have time to look back,

i felt like an old man again. the once cheerful and youthful me is in a corner. i am once again the shadow my of former self. many knew me as a person whom is always laughing, smiling and goofing off. i am also known as a person whom like silent and alone at times. but so far. no one has seen my shadow of my self. the shadow of my pain. suffering. disappointment. problems. and the list goes on.

if i have the chance, i would cry my heart out. if i have the chance i would want to have some one to really talk to. to really relate all my problem, to share my joy and sadness. my concern and my wryness. i am a person not in order. i dreaded my attachment days. i was always alone as i walk home in the darkness. i was always troubled what i have to do tomorrow.

but strangely, this time my attachment days took a turn. i meet a girl. of my age. a girl near i stay. a girl whom is also a Christian. she was like God given to be there to help bring me through this troubled time. she was a person whom i can share my thoughts out, and not fear that it will be left hanging there. people at first glance may think we are dating. but we are not. we are just brother and sister of Christ there to support one and other. Thank you my friend. you had made my attachment days a lot better.

i had so much things on my mind. i was sorting things out in my mind. and people thinks i am emoing. actually it is the time where i want to be alone and reflect of my life. especially after a ordeal. so i shall be saying it one more time. i was not emoing. i just had something on my mind. if i am emoing i will let you know ;).

i thank you for you time in reading this long post...

2008-02-16T22:19:00.003+08:00

As I Recall...

As i got another another time where my mind start to wonder, i though of the time where i was once asked how old was i when i was having my attachment. when i thought of it, and replied, (that time was 17) 17, i was shocked myself as well. i am only 17, here i am looking at situation where not a 17 year old should. death, sick, parting, depress. it feel like i have seen it all. i feel like an old man suddenly. it is like i have experience too much. but then again many of you may think that i think too much. but that is how i feel. my exams are near and i am still too relaxed.. WHY?!?! odd question no? the exams are so near and i am not even nervous at all? i am not tring to brag here. i feel that there is something wrong. sigh..... well it seemed that most or maybe all cannot understand my poem. i am not expecting anyone to fully understand the poem by themself. again i am not trying to brag. but its true. i am not releasing the secret of the poem until the time is right ;)

i thank you for you time in reading this post.

2008-02-14T00:02:00.002+08:00

My Fear..

Things are not looking so well for my father. he recently has been sent to the hospital for an emergency check up on his head. it is a suscpect stroke. one of the signs he has is double vision. yet, when he is feeling better, he still continue to drive, even with is double vison... his body is weakening.. there was 2 time where he almost had an accident.. all i can do now is pray..

Oh Creator of Heaven and earth. this little boy of yours ask you of a favour. watch over his father so that no matter in wat situation, the father will be able to overcome it. watch over the safty of the father. give the father wisdom so as to allow him to walk the path you desired. give him the strength he need to keep moving on. Grant him peace to know that people are there for him.. but it is not my will be done but Thy will be done. i give thanks to you God.
Amen..

i thank you for you time...

2008-02-07T10:37:00.000+08:00

A New Poem..

Living under, the bright moonlight,
On the hill, pondering a Mystery sight.
Vexed about many thing,
Entangled self, doesn't it seemed?

a poem of my feeling.. will put there soon, for now, i will leave it in the post. i wonder how many people will understand this poem...

2008-01-24T20:10:00.000+08:00

A Happy Birthday.

well things went better than i expected. even though i have to go to a funeral, i feel its all worth it... firstly i have to thank people who message to me people who are, Eugine, Yi Hui, Wei En and Ting Ting, your messages brighten up my dull days, thank you. my god-brother Wu Chong, Luke, Dave also thank you for the pre birthday wishes to cheer me up. Thx yong jian, Xiao dong, xin yi, and yun lin for the birthday wishes. my day was very much cheered up thanks to you guys and girls may be posting soon.. bec i got examing around the corner so until next time

9 people view my blog

2008-01-22T22:54:00.000+08:00

A Dreadful Count Down...

A day has pasted.. it doesnt matter if i say wat comming tomorrow anyway, rarely people read blog so late.. so tomorrow is my birthday. yes.. hurray and all.... still dreading it.. my birthday is totally crap. at first. all i need to do for that day is a 2 hour lesson in the morning and i can go home and enjoy it. but no. someone have to CHEAT on the common test. now i have a 30 min test at 6pm. FROM 10AM TO 6PM.. might as well go home right? then aftehr test still can go home. but things got more out of hand. i have to attend a funeral after the test at 7. 30 min to rush from my school to amk during peak hours.. great... just when i thought things could not get any worst, my mp3 fail on me.. AGAIN.. 3rd time.. nvm i can live with that. but no. things jsut have to get worst. ends up, today my 4 hour lesson is shifted to tomorrow 10 to 2. now i cant even go home to rest and enjoy myself. stuck in school and funeral.. the only happy side is that 3 people wish me happy birthday on msn... happy birthday to me.. hope God can turn my frown into a smile.. i jsut really hope he plan all this.. at least i wont feel so bad.. sign... at least my blog is view trice..

posting on my birthday to comment on the day.. read it if you want..

2008-01-21T23:27:00.000+08:00

A Count Down.

its a count down... a count down that i dont know if i should be dreading it or should i be rejoycing. many time, each time i look foward to it, to more disappointed i was. therefore, i have nearly lost faith that this one will be any different. At least this time my parents remember. the last time they totally forget... i was had a totally depressed day then. maybe it will be better.. the more i look around me, the more sad i become. its like i envy them. i don't know what to feel. what expect. maybe all will be better. maybe not.. its not one of the best timing either.. that day is totally crap. i am so sad. now i want to cry.. many time i felt totally weak, tired, sad and not motivated at all.. maybe someone will read this and understand it all.. maybe no one will read it at all and it will all be too late when anyone read it. i ain't expecting any results.. all i expect is failure... till now, i still have a poem that stills describe my feeling. ask me to tell you if you want. but know that i am hanging on a thin line before depression.. maybe the next day will make me feel better.. maybe... hopefully..

sorry i if i sound so depress but i really am.. Pray for me...

489 and counting....

2008-01-09T00:21:00.000+08:00

A Sudden Impulse....

it took me long enough to post this. i want to post it now because i feel it is time to do it. Strangely, when i was walking home from my church at night, i got this sudden feeling that i should call ???(he/she will be called ??? to protect his/her identity). i don't know why but ??? had emotionally hurt me with his/her action last year and i actually did my best to not remember him/her. he/she had left a deep scar and i then i find it rather hard to forgive him/her. but strangely, i just got that sudden urge to call him/her. so i did. after we talk for a while and i share about my attachment, i just try to pretend that nothing is wrong. But i have got no choice but to ask him/her. we talk on that topic and he/she is glad i brought up the topic. we discuss for a while and finally, a year long wound had been healed. i know this post is very blur on whats going on but i cant go into much details. but i realized something. That night, i had decided to call him/her without any reason. its strange. call it six sense. but i think its God talking to me. telling me its time to clear things up. finally i have found peace in myself after that talk. its a wonderful way to end my 2007. ??? if you are reading this, i Thank You for that conversation. you had allowed me to go into it when you could have put down the phone to ignore me. sorry you name had to be ??? but unless you give me the green light to change that to your name, i wont release you name....

2007-12-04T20:44:00.000+08:00

Another Beginning...

It has been some time since i last post. for that i must say sorry.. but i was really caught up with exams and everything. anyway, my last exam went well, most of my exams question are fairly easy. although each time i says it, someone from nursing will defer it.. i wonder why... anyway, when i was doing my quiet time today, i learn another new thing. When God's light is allowed to shine unhindered through your life,, the darkness around you will be dispelled. in it i also learned that if i were to notice the world around me becoming darker and darker, don't blame the darkness.. the only remedy for darkness is light... if the world is becoming darker, the problem is not with the darkness. the problem is with the light. God as sent us to be the light of the world. this is a mission we must not fail. all will be lost. but only God 's love will not be lost. This marks the end of this post.. will be posting soon..

God guide me so i can be a better light to light up the area. to spread your gospel.. and to lead you followers.

2007-10-29T22:57:00.001+08:00

Both A Blessing And A Curse...

It’s been some time since I last post.. sorry about that.. kindda got caught up with school and Church… anyway, today while I took some of my time to assist my dad with something, I was given the time to let my thoughts flow.. one of them came to my illness, dyslexia.. most of you may not know it.. but I am dyslexic. It’s a illness that is both a blessing and a curse… now that I need all the brain power I can have to remember the important medical terms in my school, I realize I am having a more and more difficulties in remembering them.. but every time my friends seem to manage to recall perfectly make my heart sink..

this illness has also been my blessing.. since I have a nick in forgetting things (always, those of you who know me.. =P) most of the time, I forget what people do to me or say to me.. which means I can forgive and forget easier because I simply don’t remember ;) ( talk about forgetting ) but it not a bad thing since brooding over how a friend has hurt you is of any use.. this illness also forces me to be humble and keep my pride down.. in a way, I forget what I have done to help other people.. this does not make me proud that have some done this or this. So most of the time, I help just because I want to. But because of this.. sometime I get down spells.. and almost fall into depression… but with the help of God, family and friends, I am able to stand up again.. thank you.. don’t know when I may post next.. exams slowly creep close… attachment coming soon.. Stress x(.. wish me luck....

and Thank You God for giving me this blessing...

2007-09-28T07:58:00.000+08:00

A Quiet Time I Did...

sorry for the long update.. i shall not go into why I did not update ;) anyway, while i was doing quiet time today, i came across a rather interesting topic..its called true worship.

But the hour is coming and now is, when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth;for the Father is seeking such to worship Him.
God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth...

(JOHN 4:23-24)

We are designed to worship God in spirit and in truth. As Jesus spoke to he Samaritan women at the well, He sought to help her do this by imparting to her God's living water (JOHN 4:13-14)

Jesus sought out this woman personally to give her abundant life. In the same way, the Father seeks an encounter with each of us that is real and personal. The Samaritan women had heard about God; Jesus said true worship must be "face to face" with God. Worship is not religion or ritual; worship is an intimate and vital encounter with a person. True worship includes the full recognition of who God is: Holy, Sovereign, Almighty, Loving, Merciful. This recognition brings about the realization of our own sinfulness.

True Worship is life-changing! It creates within the worshiper's heart a hate for sin. True worship results in repentance, obedient submission, and a desire for holiness (Isa.6:1-8). True worship generates a desire to show mercy and to express forgiveness. It includes a joyful acceptance of all that God has provided by His grace. True worship is not exclusive. Just as the Samaritan woman rushed off to tell others of her encounter with the Lord, so true worship will compel the worshiper to include others. As a result of this woman's encounter with Jesus, many others from her village came to know Him as well. The one who has truly worship will have a sense of peace and a confident expectation of what God is about to do. True worship produce a transformed life, reflecting the One who has been worship...

after reading this, a though came to my mine. He had created us with freewill knowing we may turn from Him. He gave us freewill so we may willingly worship him.. He gave faith so that we may not falter when things happen.. those of you reading this.. hope you can truly understand what worship is all about. for non believers out there... thank you for reading this post...

2007-09-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Alone yet not alone...

Walking through the lonely path
A path of dread not of laught
A tear ran down
A problem came up
Is that what i should withhold
or can someone please help me hold...

a problemetic day... when will people read this post? maybe when all is over. .maybe when i broke down.. i dont know how much i can hold.. things are comming at me from all sides... God please guide me... the poem is my feeling, my sadness and my pain.. who can understand? a lot i hope.. who can know.. i dont know.... (a copy of the poem is at the bottom..)

2007-08-15T01:08:00.000+08:00

My Honour
i know its a double post.. but i feel a need to express my feeling and thoughts in two separate post.. this is to make up for the post i miss for so long..its strange though.. people in my school call me Innocent.. its really strange.. i don't get whats so bad being innocent... i got comments from my church mentor that people see Christians and innocent people.. in a way yes we are.. but seriously is that a good thing or a bad thing? yea people will call you names like sortong or stupid. but so what? so far there is at least 2 people who told me i am innocent. but i am proud to be innocent. to some, this post may seem offensive to you but rest assure.. there is no offense when i am writing this post.. like in my previous post, i have stated that the people of the world are getting more and more corrupted.. sadly when they call me innocent, i wonder if it is me or them.. am i innocent or are they corrupted.. is it that important to bring up topic to make you seem more mature? is that the only topic that they can use to gain attention? maybe not.. for me.. i steer clear from that topic unless it is needed.. .. maybe there is something to be done... only by me...

2007-08-15T00:56:00.000+08:00

Temptations...
When temptation enters our heart and minds, we either deal with it and gain mastery over it, or it eventually leads us to sinful action... this is the topic while having my quiet time... to many temptations may seem like a small thing to be take and is usually underestimated. people think that they can always get our of the temptations easily.. but its not so easy.. the first thing is actually gain control of the temptation before you fall into its trap.. because it is hard to get out of it once you are in it.... why have i decided to blog? well i just have the urge to spread this temptation message to my readers of my blog.. .many times, temptation comes in many form.. for me, games are one of them... sometime when you have fallen into temptation and cant seem to remove it from you life, ask a friend to help you. a friend whom you trust. a friend whom understands you. for me, its my friend Luke.. both of us are Christians and that we are as close as brothers.. i trusted him with my temptation and he offered me a helping hand by pulling me out of it... thank you Luke...

2007-07-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

Changes...
people change in life.. in attitude. in things they like.. their mindset.. while i.. i have change my way of thinking.. as advise from my friend in Church, Rose, she had suggested the change.. and therefore i shall enforce it.. the song is heart of worship. some of you may know about it. some not.. it is a Christian song.. as some of you may have already realise it.. i am a Christian.. i cannot bring myself to give any excuse of my "down" periods in the last few weeks. i guess i am just stressed out.. but the thing is that, things are not as bad as they seem sometimes. even an eclipse will go by one day... what i should do now is to stop brooding over the past and move on.. there is no use brooding over her.. leaving everything for God to lay down my path should be the thing i should do. for those who are offended by my way of thinking, i apologise here and now.. but i shall be posting as frequently as i can. stay tune ;)

2007-07-18T00:20:00.000+08:00

A Week Past...

As i reflect on my week, i have just realise how little time i have.. as usual, non of my school friends seems to have known that i have a blog. it may sound like i am seeking attention here.. but i am not.. i am just trying to show how much my school friends care or take note of me. i am a imperfect person that does not seem to be bother by anyone. Church people have been great and all. i really thank them for their attention and care they have give to me.. especially Zhi Yu. he actually talk to me about my blog and actually have a man to man talk that i have rarely or never have with him.... thank God... it just seems that the people on the world is getting more and more corrupted.. as i have learn in my Quiet time, the people in this world have claim right as wrong and wrong as right.. how true is that... it shall be decided by you readers...

2007-07-12T00:24:00.000+08:00

Back To School...

Back to school to study my nursing subject.. its is obvious that there are many clicks in the class and i am not in either of them.. i am all alone. in the cruel world. where people are unfair. and where free loaders are everywhere. i was group with the rest of the guys in the class.. the worst thing is, non of the guys seemed to have any leadership skills. whats worst, some of them are not keen about the course. but will it matter if i post it down here and if they will to see it? i guess not.. cause i don't think they even knew i have a blog... the world is a cruel place. people come and go, friends came and vanish. nothing is forever.. but only God's love for me is forever.. (my first "cheerful" sentence)...

2007-07-07T12:11:00.000+08:00

A Sad Sad Realisation

i just got a deeper understanding of my parent's condition of dementia. its a condition that mostly happen to people around 50. its condition are forgetfulness mood swing and many more... how i realise this? its when my mom seemed to forget important things i have told her. jokes told to her can be retold and she will still laughs at the same one.. (its not good thing. its a sad sad condition..) moreover its also happening to my dad.. he can forget to bring important things like car key like 20-40% of the time.. to make matters worst.. its a permanent condition that can only be control but cannot be cured.... i love my mom and dad.... i guess all good things come to an end...

A Sad Sad day..

2007-07-03T22:48:00.000+08:00

A Sad Sad Day..

Saddening you know.. to know that there are people out there who are in need of help.. old people whom their own children are too busy to take care of. old people whom have the eyes of a weeping baby looking for his mother.. people whom are now my responsibility.. yes.. i am doing nursing.. not much of a surprise to many.. some say its a job for wimps, losers, weaklings. some say its a job for a person whom are not self-centered and are willing to care for other people. some say its a job of good money. while i say, its a job where i can put my talents that God had given me to use.. although i am still waiting for the direction he want me to go for. nevertheless, he is the almighty one. therefore.. trust in Him with all your heart cause he is the Alpha and the Omega

The start of the necessary...

2007-07-03T19:25:00.001+08:00

The start of the necessary...

My first post.. things are not the same for me anymore.. just when i though life got a turn for a better, it just got a turn for the worst.. no one seem to care nor bother.. no one seem to understand if i am in order. no one but 2 person. God and my friend Luke.. no one seemed to understand me when i said "To Know That You Are Part Of The Puzzle, Its Really Comforting... an extra puzzle? must be.." people will just think i am crapping.. but it just seem to not many people actually understand me.. haha... church friends are caring and all.. but then just couldnt see the deep emptyness in me.. how my heart seems to cry each time i see them. school has been both a place for sad and happy memories.. thing are not what they use to be.. .the world have change... how many people will actually read this blog.. not much i suppose.. afterall i am just an extra puzzle...